Day Something...(Independence Day?)

So it's been a while since I've updated this, but just to recap quickly, I lost around 30 pounds on the active diet and my weight seemed to go up and down a bit in the three weeks of stabilization. Cheese was what did it for me; I ate gobs and gobs of Adams 100% natural peanut butter but it didn't make me gain an ounce. If I had cheese though, it was a different story.

When it got to the point where I gained more than two pounds, I could either take an apple day (which was out of the question, blech) or skip my main meal and have a big steak and either an apple or tomato for dinner. Obviously I opted for this! I had to do this only twice, thankfully. I even bought Walden Farms calorie free barbecue sauce, which is a little sweet for me, but still better than nothing.

On my brother's birthday last Sunday I made the mistake of having half a raspberry margarita at the Mexican restaurant we went to. The sugar, combined with the alcohol, totally shocked my poor sugarless, mostly alcohol free system, and lets just say I saw my dinner again about a half hour later. I thought at least some of the sugar would've absorbed, but surprisingly I didn't gain weight from that. I also reaffirmed for myself how I could never, ever become a bulimic. I'd rather overeat and get fatter than make myself throw up.

Then, last Tuesday, I had my tonsils out. I told the hospital I couldn't have added sugars, but for some weird reason they had no sugar free yogurt or anything. It's a good thing I'm not diabetic, sheesh. So I had a few bites of it after the surgery, but I'd already barfed on myself once in the recovery room, so that was all I could manage. Plus, even the morphine wasn't making it easier to swallow. Then, that night I had chicken broth, some cooked mushrooms, and a little bit of cheese. Then I drank tea, and as soon as I stood up to take the mugs back into the kitchen...Uh oh. I ended up seeing my dinner again...again...in the kitchen sink. And to top it off, even though I threw up most of my food, I still gained about half a pound!!

The next couple of days I gained weight (about a pound altogether) from yogurt and fruit smoothies and such, but then, yesterday, my last day of stabilization, I had beef broth for lunch, then we went to town and I had a little cup of chocolate ice cream from Safeway, then I sneaked a bite of my fiance's Cinnabon (which I had to chew up really, really well), then I ate half a bowl of thick clam chowder (which has potatoes, which were still forbidden) and ate a tiny bite of Elmer's orgasmic cheesy biscuits. And then, since I bought some sugar free ice cream too, I figured I might as well sample that last night as well.

And this morning the scale said I'd lost over 2 pounds. So I figure I'm finally getting stabilized. Ironically, this is Independence Day, and also my first day off the diet!

Not that it really matters, because I can't hardly swallow anything anyway. But still.

(...Seriously though, I went through two jars of peanut butter in two weeks. Peanut butter and apples became my new vice.)

Day 22...I think...

So after a depressing plateau, yesterday I decided to eat only six apples, as my Releana guide suggested.

It. Sucked.

Pretty much, even if I was told I could only eat something like bread for one day, and nothing else, even that would taste blah by the end of the day. I baked one of the apples with cinnamon for dessert, but it really didn't help. In the end I couldn't even force down the sixth.

Oh well, at least it worked. I lost about a pound and a half because of it. Hopefully I will keep losing now, because I really don't want to have to do another apple day.

Today I had egg whites on some of that organic lettuce-y stuff (which, depressingly, has started to get slimy and has since been thrown out). I bought some more bananas at work and had half one of those, and for dinner I had a roasted chicken breast and canned green beans.

It's funny...When I started the diet, I'd weigh out the portions, look at my plate and go, "Is that all I get?" And now, when I look at my plate I say, "Is the scale broken? Did I accidentally put too much on?" This diet has really given me a new perspective on portion sizes. My eyes are shrinking down to the size of my stomach! I hope to keep my portion sizes smaller than they were before the diet.

Day...19?

So, I've missed a few days. I went to a wedding this weekend. No, I didn't get any cake. And to add insult to injury, it looked like really, really good cake, and was cut into the biggest pieces I've ever seen at a wedding. Humph. And I was sure I cheated a little because I had the salmon and it was the best thing ever. It was so hard to stop eating it and I think I had a little more than 3 1/2 ounces. XD

I lost three pounds over the weekend, then another pound, and then I gained .4 pounds by this morning, which is always annoying. But that means that altogether I've lost about 21 pounds! I've still got a week and a half to go, too. I probably won't lose as fast as I have so far, though.

Also, I've started work, which is actually really good for this diet, because I'm too busy working to think about food...except that it's at a grocery store, and people keep coming through with massive sandwiches and fried chicken and potato salad and pseudo-Chinese food and the smells are just agonizing. But other than that, I'm too busy to eat other than on my breaks and lunch anyway.

Day 12

Yesterday I lost 2 pounds! Though, counting the .8 I gained the day before, it was actually 1.2. For lunch I had canned tuna on salad, topped with that Asian dressing. Very yummy. I had half a grapefruit as a snack, and for dinner I made some chicken breasts with lemon, pepper, and sage. I also had some salad with vinegar and pepper. And for dessert I had an apple. Really wasn't a very eventful day or anything.

Day 11 - Meals

For lunch I had canned chicken on some organic greens (a bunch of types of weird froofy lettuces and such, you know, that comes in that plastic box thing) topped with Walden Farms Asian dressing. It was pretty good, I have to say. I had what turned out to be a kind of sour apple in between lunch and dinner. For dinner I had baked fish of some sort (swai something. Some weird name like that) with lemon, dill, and pepper. Also, some more greens topped with vinegar and pepper. Good dinner! On this diet, I've had the most fish I've ever had in my life. It's a good thing I like fish, or this would really suck. Anyway, I had an apple (also kind of sour) for dessert. My dad and brother baked brownies. The whole house smelled of fresh chocolately goodness. **sob** And now I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard, so it's time for bed.

Day 11 - Weight

Apparently eating all of my allotted foods was a bad idea, because when I stepped on the scale I found that I had GAINED .8 pounds. I know it's not even a whole pound, but it's basically wasted all the progress I made yesterday. So...yeah. Just a little discouraged about that.

Day 10

1/3 of the way through! It's actually getting a lot easier. In fact, my appetite has really gone down. I had some cottage cheese (which, surprisingly, I really didn't enjoy all that much) and half a banana for lunch, and then I didn't eat anything until dinner. And then I had shrimp sauteed in lemon juice, garlic and pepper (3 1/2 oz. is A LOT of shrimp), and canned green beans. And then, later, I basically forced myself to eat the other half of banana and some more green beans. I just wasn't hungry, but maintaining the balanced diet is important, since it's so few calories.

My heart's been fluttery at odd moments in the day, but they say that's normal. Hope so.

Also, I only lost .6 pounds today. Oh well.

Day 9

Aah, I was too sleepy last night to update! Yesterday I went to a birthday party. Everyone else had burgers, chips, soda, and enormous slabs of ice cream cake. I had vegetables, an apple, and ice water. Blah. Oh well.

Yesterday I also lost a pound, so hah. :P

Then when I came home I ate some leftover chicken breasts my mom had cooked up, and threw the rest of the chicken into a soup with celery, onions, mushrooms, cabbage, pepper, and herbs. It ended up being very peppery, but otherwise good. I put a lot of water in it, so I was so full afterwards. I couldn't eat my second fruit. I was scared I'd eaten too much, actually, since I actually felt legitimately full. XD

Then, last night, I dreamed I accidentally ate a Wendy's meal and had to throw it all up or I'd gain all the weight back because I was still on the diet. So one of my friends, some random guy that I knew only in the dream, gave me this stick of like...medicated deodorant. So I went to the bathroom, used it, and threw up immediately. That was definitely odd.

Day 8

I was pleased to see this morning that I'd lost 2.4 pounds! That makes a grand total of 11.2 pounds in the first week! Plus, it's getting easier. I was watching that Unwrapped show and had to change it eventually when my tummy was rumbling, and it is annoying to see my dad and my brother get up and just grab any old thing from the fridge as frequently as they wish, but I'm a quarter of the way through. Technically a little over a quarter now. So it might just be okay. Maybe.

For lunch I had 3 hard-boiled egg whites and half a banana. I had a stick of celery in between lunch and dinner, and for dinner I had a baked cod fillet with lemon, dill, pepper, and a pinch of salt, as well as some spinach (raw this time, thankfully) with bleu cheese dressing. And my mom's been at a plateau for a while, so she's been doing what's recommended for such things and ate only apples today. So I made a couple of baked apples with cinnamon for dessert, so she could have a little variety, at least. :P

I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday, but I still can't wait until this month is over. It's not as hard now, but still, I miss things that I can't have, like cheese. Mmm, cheese. And chocolate. And of course, bread. But I just have to keep telling myself that I'll get those things soon enough!

Day 7

Lost only .2 pounds. Cried for no reason this morning. Had to force myself to stop crying so I didn't look like a total mess going in for my drug screening at the place I will most likely be working for quite a while. Skipped my second fruit serving. At least I'm doing better with the hunger thing. Took my measurements just now and they're exactly the same as yesterday. I just really wasn't expecting to plateau this early.

For breakfast I had an apple and some black decaf coffee from Starbucks. Didn't even feel like finishing the apple. Had a Wendy's side salad with a grilled chicken breast on it, no dressing. Had more grilled chicken and cooked spinach (blech) for dinner. Drizzled that bleu cheese dressing on it, which helped, but nothing can change that nasty, mushy texture. I told my mom not to cook all the spinach next time we get some. I like it okay when it's raw.

The first week is over. Only three more to go. It's sad that I have this attitude right now. But...meh. I'm so close to losing 10 pounds! And yet so far.

Day 6

This day didn't get hard until now. I've had a headache all day long, and this hormone is screwing with my other hormones, so I've been crying just now and I don't really know why. Also, I've been really irritable, but that's supposedly one of the side effects.

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm almost a quarter of the way through the diet. Then, in the stabilization diet (which lasts for three weeks after this diet), I discovered I can basically eat until I'm actually full, just no starch or sugar. I think it'll be okay when I get to that point. Also, I don't think I actually can do this for two months. I'm sure I could stick it out, but I did the math and it looks like if I go for two months, I wouldn't get off the stabilization diet until about a day or so before the wedding. I'd rather be off it sooner than that. I don't want to take a bite of cake and suddenly burst out of my dress. :P

So, I got on the scale this morning and found I'd lost 2.4 pounds. Then I went back to bed. I figure if I'm sleeping, I'm not eating. Plus, I was still sleepy. For lunch I had canned tuna and celery with lemon, vinegar and pepper. I had an apple in between lunch and dinner, and for dinner I had canned green beans and cooked up some chicken breasts with lemon, a pinch of salt (can't have more than 1/4 teaspoon a day), pepper, and sage for me and my mom. It was really good, actually. I might have to make that sometime when I'm off the diet. And for dessert, I had a baked apple sprinkled with cinnamon. It was awesome.

So yes, right now my optimism is wavering, but I can't tell if it's just the hormones suckerpunching it. I wish my weight loss would become more noticeable. Things fit a little more loosely, and I've already lost about half an inch off my waist, but I'm still just...blah. I have to keep telling myself that the first week is the hardest, and supposedly it gets easier. Why does food have such a stranglehold on my life? :(

Day 5 - Meals

Skipped breakfast again. For lunch, I had 3 1/2 ounces of fat free cottage cheese, which was amazing. I also had a whole tomato and a couple cucumber slices, because I didn't get my whole cup's worth with the tomato. I chopped the veggies up and topped them with a tablespoon of that bleu cheese dressing I can have.

In between lunch and dinner I had an apple. Ate everything but the stem and the seeds. XD

For dinner I had baked fish with lemon, herbs, and pepper again. Also, canned green beans, which are my favorite.

I've not had my second fruit yet. I was too busy watching Tyra Banks pick the ugly girl on America's Next Top Model, just because she cried and they felt sorry for her.

I'm going to go have an orange, and drink a couple glasses of water or something, because I don't think I quite had enough fluids today.

Day 5 - Weight

So I thought surely the first day was a fluke. Maybe the scale was off (my mom did get it from Walmart, after all), or the way I was standing or something affected the weight. I was telling myself not to worry if it said close to the same weight again today.

 

And then I stepped on the scale and it said I'd lost another three pounds. 3.2, to be exact. 6.2 pounds in two days! I can't wait until it starts becoming more noticeable. I think I'm losing my double chin already. It's not as ginormous as it used to be. In fact, I think at last I have less chins than a Chinese phone book. :P

Day 4 - Meals

I sort of skipped breakfast today. Wasn't hungry. For lunch I had salad topped with canned chicken and vinegar and pepper. It was really good, and I found I could hardly finish it.

Today was much easier, but I'm still fighting down decades of eating on impulse. I chewed a bunch of gum. Bought several different flavors. Also bought some fat free cottage cheese! I'll have to have that for lunch tomorrow.

I had half a banana in between lunch and dinner. For dinner I made soup for me and my mom. Basically water, chicken, cabbage, celery, onions, and various herbs. It was really good. I love making soup. I'm going to be a soup-making pro by the end of this. :P

Okay, I'm feeling a tad hungry at the moment, so I'm going to go to bed. But I could barely finish my orange earlier!

Day 4 - Weight

I weighed myself this morning, and apparently I lost 3 pounds altogether yesterday! One more and I'll be through the weight I put on for the loading. Still though...3 pounds! All my suffering was worth it, apparently. XD

I can't help but wonder how discouraged I'll be when I eventually hit a plateau. I just hope I'll be able to keep up the diet even when my weight loss slows down to a crawl or even stops.

Also, while Chap Stick is allowed, I don't think Burt's Bees is, because it has various oils in it (mineral oil is pretty much the only acceptable kind of oil to use on our skin). I think I've either got to switch to nasty Chap Stick or just wean myself off it altogether.

Day 3 - Dinner/Dessert

My mom baked some fish filets with lemon, herbs, and black pepper. We basically shared one of them. It was amazing. I also had a small salad (1 cup) topped with a dash of rice vinegar and black pepper. I've been trying to eat slowly today, and eat smaller bites, to stretch out the meal time to as long as possible.

Tonight, when I went to take my drops, I thought I'd weigh myself for grins and giggles, and it turns out I've already lost about a pound! They did say the loading weight would melt off pretty quickly, but still! I will also probably lose weight faster than my mom, because I'm younger and because this is the first actual dieting program I've ever tried, so my body's not been all screwed up and confused by other diets yet. :P

My mom made cookies for her class. They were just sitting there on the counter, lurking, waiting to be devoured. I cut up my second fruit serving instead. A whole orange! And actually, I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to finish it, I'm just so stoked about that pound...

...Just about a million more to go now! XD

Day 3 - Lunch

For lunch I had 4 oz. of cucumber with a teaspoon of Walden Farms bleu cheese dressing (the only allowed brand of dressing, because it has no fat, sugar, calories, or...seemingly anything, and yet still tastes good. XD). I also had two glasses of water. I'm feeling okay! On my second piece of gum. I'm alternately feeling hopeful and scared.

Day 3 - Breakfast

So this is the first day of the "Active Diet," as it's called. I basically am on the Active Diet until three days after the drops run out. For breakfast, I hard-boiled three eggs and removed the yolks (can't eat those, unfortunately). So I had three egg whites, half a banana, and a large cup of tea. Thankfully, unsweetened tea is unlimited, although I can only have one teaspoon of skim milk a day, so it's really not even worth doing. I'm fine with plain old tea. Artificial sweeteners are allowed, but those pretty much taste like death, so I think I'll avoid those too.

Surprisingly, I feel fairly full. I think it was the tea that did it. I must remember this if I ever get hungry in between meals. Also, sugar free gum is allowed. I will most likely be chewing A LOT of gum.

I also drank a glass of water with breakfast, to take my multivitamins. You need...I can't remember off the top of my head how much of each...but you need to take potassium and a multivitamin that has at least a certain amount of magnesium every day. Also, you have to drink at least 2 quarts of liquid a day.

OH, and also, skim cottage cheese can be eaten every 3-4 days in place of a meat serving! I nearly died of happiness when I read that. Sure, it's only 3 1/2 ounces, but I'm so happy I can have an occasional serving of dairy! I'm a dairy fiend. It runs in the family. We're all obsessed with cottage cheese.

Last night I felt like my life was ending. I stuffed myself so much with all the things I knew I'd miss that I felt sick and had to sleep on my back...and I sleep horribly on my back. I called my fiancé this morning and had him call me back because I was too sleepy to get up and sit in my computer chair. I've totally had the wrong attitude about this whole diet, and I'm trying really hard to change my mind about it, because I need to be healthy. I hope that once I see the pounds start coming off (my mom lost 9 pounds the first week), I'll feel like it's all worth it. I don't think I've ever seen my mom so happy before, and she's still on the active diet for a couple more weeks.

(Unless our new scale is off, I gained 4 pounds during the loading diet. They said not to worry about that though, because you'll lose it right away during the active diet anyway. But still. Piggy! ;_;)

Must...Stay...Awake...

I don't want to go to bed, because I know as soon as I do, I'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow and I won't be able to eat hardly anything. I'm so stupid like that. I don't like the weight at all, and I know it has to come off, for my health and self-esteem's sake, but I'm too dumb to just have self-control and not overeat. As far as my image goes, I know now that I don't want to be super skinny. I've always thought the best body type on a woman is one that has just a little bit extra padding, if you catch my drift. My target size is 12, or even a 10. I don't want to drop below double digits, actually. You can be healthy at a size 12.

I should at least have one last Coffee Crisp, at least. One of my Canadian friends brought me a big ol' bag of them for graduation and not being able to have them for 1-2 months is the most heartbreaking thing of all. Why are they so delicious??

Drip Drop

I just took the drops for the first time. You have to hold them under your tongue for a minute, swallow them, and not eat or drink for 10 minutes afterward. But before that you have to mix the powder HCG with the liquid Releana stuff (because it has to be refrigerated immediately afterward). It felt like I was doing some sort of Biology lab. And the drops taste...somewhere in between good and awful. They made my tongue all tingly.

My mom made some incredibly fattening bacony biscuity mayonnaisy things specially for my loading diet. Hooray! I'll just try to enjoy them while I can.

It Begins

I remember the night I decided to try Releana. I would say that I remember when I decided to lose weight, but there are too many specific occasions for me to be able to just pick one. See, I've been overweight for most of my life. I was a skinny little girl, and then, as soon as I got stuck sitting at a desk all day at school--instead of being able to run wild for miles, as I used to do--the pounds started piling on...and so did the oh-so-witty, oh-so-imaginative insults from my peers. And, well, you can probably put two and two together, so to cut a long story short, here I am, 23 years old, 5'3" tall and weighing well over 200 pounds.

Releana is the first actual, bonafide diet I've ever decided to try (okay, so it's not actually approved by the FDA, but it's sure worked for everyone I've ever known to have done it). Sure, I've starved myself before, and I even lost about 20 pounds that way once, but the weight's always come back. I played sports all through middle and high school. Nothing seemed to keep the weight at bay, because I love food. Bread is my downfall. Sugary things aren't so much (mainly because they hurt my teeth), but bread, oh, glorious bread. It's so filling and savory and tasty and...well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, back to the night I decided to try Releana. I was at the Oregon coast with my parents for the weekend, my mother was still awake, and I'd gone to bed. I lay in bed for a long time, trying to sleep, but had this nagging worry at the back of my mind that I couldn't place my finger on. Before I knew it I was crying, and I had no idea why at the time (I mean, I'd just watched WALL-E, but it wasn't that bad). I found out later that one of my fiancés friends had died suddenly, and was likely being hospitalized around the time I felt that way. It is literally the only kind of explanation I have for it. Anyway, at the time I came back out to the main room and sat down. My mom asked what was wrong, was it some trouble between my fiancé and me, and I said I didn't know. To cut another long story short, we ended up having a very long, serious talk. You know, like one of those mother/daughter bonding scenes in a Lifetime movie or something. I don't remember all that we talked about, but we talked about the upcoming wedding (July 26th!) and of course, how we wanted to look on that day. I basically said something along the lines of not wanting to look like a beached whale that got stuffed into an undersized dress, and my mom started talking to me about Releana, and how a couple of the ladies at her work take it and it's worked wonders for them. I mean, it's a drastic diet, so they've lost gobs of weight.

I guess I must've been feeling either very reckless or very desperate (is there really a difference?), because I agreed to try it. My mom did as well. We've both struggled with weight. My brothers and my dad haven't. My brothers have told me on numerous occasions that I have "bear arms," and my dad is just another story for another day. Needless to say, they haven't always been the most tactful or supportive.

That night was months ago. I went to the doctor on Thursday and she went through all the details of the diet. Basically, Releana is the hormone HCG in drop form. This is a hormone that occurs naturally during pregnancy. Supposedly, when taken two times daily, combined with a 400-500 calories a day diet, it helps burn off adipose fat and lowers the appetite.

Yes, you read that right. On the diet you're only allowed up to 500 calories a day. Not just any calories, either. There are very strict food options. You're basically allowed 2 servings of approved fruits, vegetables, and meat a day.

The first two days of the diet, however, are "loading" days. The doctor explained this to me very succinctly: "If it looks like it has fat in it, eat it." These days are basically for sending the message to your brain that there's not a famine and it can go ahead and stop storing food willy-nilly.

I feel like I've been on the loading diet for the past few months. Ever since I decided to do the diet, I've had the horrible mentality that hey, I'm going to be going on a restrictive diet soon, so I might as well enjoy all the bad things now, while I can have them. At fast food restaurants, which I frequented multiple times a week while at college this past year, I would usually order not one, but two burgers and a large fry. I skipped the soda, because I hate soda and I do at least drink healthily (water, skim milk, unsweetened tea, and 100% fruit juices are what I like best now), but still, I don't even want to know how many calories I was consuming daily. My guess is that it was just a wee bit more than 500.

So tomorrow I start the official loading diet (well, today, technically, as I've stayed up so late). My mother, who has been doing the diet for over a month now and has lost over 30 pounds, said that it was actually one of the harder parts of the diet. She's breezing right through it. But then, she gets so focused on things sometimes, and I'm scared that it won't be the same for me. I'm so scared that I won't have the willpower to do it. Did I mention that these drops cost $200 a bottle (which only lasts for a month)? My mom has agreed to reimburse me if I don't cheat. If I do, I'm...well, for lack of a better term, screwed.

That's the real reason I've decided to start this blog. I'm addicted to food, and I'm hoping that, as with most of my serious prose, this addiction will look sillier and sillier to me the more I put it down on paper--er, internet...ness. You know, kind of like looking back at all those old diary entries from when you were little and saying to yourself, "I was hung up over him?" between gales of almost horrified laughter. This blog is intended to be a sort of chronicle of my journey on this diet, my good days and bad days, my addictions, my vices, my cravings, etc. Every diet related thing will be put on this blog...and probably some things that have nothing to do with anything at all.

And so, tomorrow my journey begins. I don't know if anyone will even follow this blog, but that is not the intended purpose, so my feelings won't be hurt (well, okay, maybe they will be a little, but I'm a big girl...a really big girl). I can probably just force my fiancé to follow it, at least.